Forget all the music that was released in 2019 — let’s talk about the weirdest things to happen in rock and metal this year. That’s right, it’s time to count down the Biggest WTF Rock + Metal Stories of 2019.
Nickelback got made fun of during a House of Representatives meeting, Aaron Lewis revealed why sometimes the wildest moments of the road are best confined to secrecy, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame actually did something right and still managed to turn it into a total blunder, church-burning made a comeback, a drummer transitioned into softcore porn, public sex at metal shows made a reprisal… and a lot more.
But we don’t want to spoil all the WTF fun for you. All the details behind these curious stories can be read below. Consider that our warning.
Roger Kisby / Dia Dipasupil, Getty Images
The Beautiful Peephole: Marilyn Manson Gifts Dildo to Machine Gun Kelly
Nothing screams “happy birthday” like a rubber dick with Marilyn Manson’s face on it. This piece of Holy Wood was gifted to rap-rocker Machine Gun Kelly for his birthday directly from the shock rock legend himself. Other than perhaps the recommended use, we’re not really sure where anyone would put this — it’s not exactly a mantle piece (just a man-piece). Regardless, MGK was stoked.
‘School of Rock’ Actor Arrested for Stealing Guitars Four Times in Five Weeks
Life coming full circle isn’t necessarily a good thing, at least not for Joey Gaydos Jr., best known for playing Zack “Zack Attack” Mooneyham in the Jack Black-led film School of Rock. The actor became a “Florida Man” headline after stealing guitars and other music gear from various stores four times in a five-week span.
Evidently, Miss Dumbum was his teacher after all (we’re assuming you remember that scene) and he was repeatedly busted by the fuzz for his recurring thefts.
Dimitrios Kambouris, Getty Images / EMI
Kanye West Convinces Himself Rap Is Devil’s Music, Nearly Quits
Rap and hip-hop have stolen a lot of rock and metal’s thunder, especially when it comes to living a hedonistic lifestyle. But the devil? Fuck off, the Man Downstrairs is still ours. The supreme Horned One nearly did our bidding, however, as Kanye West convinced himself that rap was the devil’s music as his extravagantly narcissistic living caused him to lose sight of what matters most in life — God.
As a rap artist, he rose to fame and succumbed to the temptations that come with the territory, he blamed it on rap, not his own actions. A pastor reasoned with him (an act which is itself practically a divine miracle), assuring him he could be holy while still rapping. Then came his Jesus Is King album. Good grief…
Making Fun of Nickelback Is Now Government Work
While the U.S. House of Representatives met in Wisconsin to debate a bill that sought to overhaul voting rights, political finance reform and lobbying, two congressman instead used their time on the floor to engage in a pissing contest about the merits, or lack thereof, of perpetual rock whipping post Nickelback.
Acting as if all matters of actual importance had already been sorted, Democrat Mark Pocan likened a real-world stat to the hyperbolic measure of people who admit Nickelback is their favorite band, which he presumed was a “pretty low” number. Republican Rodney Davis’ rebuttal included a 40-second spiel defending the rockers and a dig at Pocan, who he sarcastically said surely didn’t mean to offend the thousands of Nickelback fans native to Wisconsin. This, congressmen, is how you remind us of what you really are, and it’s not like you say sorry.
YouTube: ABC News
Church Burning Craze Reignited
In 2019, church burnings, alongside a few bands, made a comeback and, no, this has nothing to do with the Notre Dame cathedral, which caught fire this year, as well. The incidents in Utah and Louisiana instantly recalled the wave of church arson that plagued Norway in the early-to-mid-’90s due to the rebellious intent of a handful of mischievous black metal musicians.
The son of a local deputy torched three churches in Louisiana, meanwhile, roughly a week earlier, a Utah woman set fire to two Mormon churches and scrawled “Satan Lives” on the doors in permanent marker. Some headbangers speculated that the Lords of Chaos film, which chronicles the rise of Norwegian black metal and its corruptible past, was to blame for rekindling the old flame.
Liz Ramanand, Loudwire
Jeremy Spencer Leaves Five Finger Death Punch, Starts Softcore Porn Series
After leaving a band with a hardcore fanbase, Jeremy Spencer turned his attention toward softcorn porn. The “LadyKiller” TV series spoofs classic horror movies and Spencer, who goes by the alias “Kyle Kalbasa,” stars in every single one of the episodes, which features simulated sex instead of real on-screen penetration.
Some of the titles which got reworked include The Exorcist, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th and The Shining. Let’s hope there’s no FFDP parodies — we’re scared of what may happen with The Way of the Fist.
Evil Robb Photography
Aaron Lewis: Poop Didn’t Hinder Hinder’s Tour Pranks
Technically, none of this happened in 2019, but the stories themselves were brand new to all of us. Staind’s Aaron Lewis outed Hinder guitarist Joe “Blower” Garvey for being a scatalogical maniac, reminding us that maybe we don’t want to know what the craziest thing to happen on tour was after all.
In the trio of recollected tales, Lewis explained that Blower once crapped into his sock before a show, put his foot in it and then put his shoe on. We’ve heard of a shitshow, but this act was dubbed “shit-shoe.” The shitshow had to be when Blower used his own feces as war paint. That was another story. And, finally, it’s the “shitty yamaguchi,” folks. This one doesn’t involve Blower, just his roadies, who coiled a steamer in a gang shower, stepped onto the freshly-pinched loaves and skated around on the increasingly sloshy tiles.
Robert John Photography
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Finally Nominates Motorhead, Still Screws It Up
For a bunch of rock history dorks, the lovely people at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame seem to be living under the presumption that Motorhead only wrote “Ace of Spades” and the rest of the catalog is moot.
While the Hall finally gave us all a sigh of relief by naming Motorhead among the list of nominees for the 2020 induction, they originally failed to name Phil Campbell, who joined in ‘83, and Mikkey Dee, who joined in ‘92, among the members eligible for the honor. To that, we ask, you’ve heard Orgasmatron, Bastards, 1916 and Aftershock, right? Right!?
Fan outrage became overwhelming and the Rock Hall tucked their collective tails and added Campbell and Dee into the induction-worthy lineup. Now if only they’d so readily listen to our other complaints… (induct Judas fuckin’ Priest, come on!)
Matt Stasi, Loudwire
Full-Blown Filth at Behemoth Festival Show
Remember when a couple had sex in the front row of a Machine Head show at the tail of 2018? Well, a couple at the Roskilde Festival in Denmark were far less bashful, putting on a show for everyone around them with no barricade to shield them from partial view. During Behemoth’s set, a half-naked woman performed oral sex on a half-naked man, who raised his fists in the air, screaming along to the Polish group’s songs for a few minutes. We can only wonder if something got lost in translation when Nergal introduced “Blow Your Trumpets Gabriel.”
Kevin Winter, Getty Images / Ryan Pierse, Getty Images
KISS Play Show for Great White Sharks (But None Showed Up)
Gene Simmons has bellowed he’s the god of thunder AND rock ’n’ roll. KISS have proclaimed they are “Kings of the Night Time World” and have been introduced as “the hottest band in the land.” But, sorry Demon and Starchild, Poseidon is still god of the sea after a KISS show onboard a boat intended to draw an audience of great white sharks failed to do so. Maybe it’s because Paul Stanley was ill and unable to attend and they prefer his co-writes to Gene’s.
Raymond Ahner, Loudwire / Joe Scarnici, Getty Images
‘Pokemon Go’-Playing KISS Fan Directs Lost + Late Ace Frehley to Nearby Gig
Lost on the way to a gig in Homer, N.Y., Ace Frehley summoned some help from a 55-year-old man on the street, who was out for a walk in the neighborhood as he played the augmented reality game Pokemon-Go. The man, who instantly recognized the iconic former KISS guitarist, was stunned and explained that he couldn’t recall the directions from memory, but knew the route to the venue. Ace told him to jump in the car and to worry about how to get back later as the rocker was already 90 minutes late — it was just a couple miles down the road.
The Spaceman offered the helpful stranger backstage passes, but he declined as his granddaughter at home needed to be put to bed. The man’s wife called him an idiot for turning it down when he got back.
Mankato Free Press
Man Arrested in Meth-Fueled ‘Death Party’
Love will make you do crazy things. So will meth. But what happens when you combine the two? You get the meth-fueled “death party” thrown by Duane Johnson (not The Rock — that’s Dwayne Johnson), who fulfilled his wife’s dying wishes. Refusing to be admitted to a nursing home, Debra Johnson insisted she die at home rather than the nursing home she was previously residing in.
The two cranked Quiet Riot’s “Metal Health,” took methamphetamine and indulged in carnal desires before Debra left this Earth. Duane then called the police to notify them of his wife’s death, and they arrested him after he was found naked in his home, which also contained several stolen guns and hundreds of rounds of ammunition.
YouTube: MusicJunkie422 / Kevin Winter, Getty Images
Wall of Death While Village People Played ‘Y.M.C.A.’ Really Happened
Esteemed punk rock festival Riot Fest always takes delight in booking some unexpected groups and, in 2019, the most off-key band was certainly authors of “Y.M.C.A.” and “Macho Man,” The Village People. It was a roaring good time that got even more uproarious when the crowd elected to attempt the all-time mosh pit favorite: the wall of death. Like the song says, “no man does it all by himself.”
Oh, and later the festival crowd started a circle pit during “Macho Man.”
Rob Kim, Getty Images
Kid Rock Continues to Be an Enigma
When it comes to “Bawitdaba” singer Robert James Ritchie, better known as Kid Rock, you’ve got to take da-good-wit-da-bad, which is exactly how the year played out for the enigmatic Michigan native.
In January, he sought approval for a sign outside his bar, which was fashioned like a guitar, only the body of the guitar was shaped to resemble a woman’s curvaceous hind quarters. The city approved it.
A couple months later, Kid Rock enjoyed a round of golf with President Trump (decked out in star-spangled slacks, no less). A month later it was back to erecting questionable signs, this time one of a massive middle finger outside his Nashville home.
Throughout the rest of the spring and all summer, it was quiet on the Kid Rock homefront — too quiet. Then he got tanked at his own restaurant, Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N’ Roll Steakhouse and went on a drunken rant, blurting out “Fuck Oprah Winfrey,” adding “she can suck dick sideways,” whatever that means. Just another emblematic year for the guy who wrote “You Never Met a Motherfucker Quite Like Me.” Points for honesty?
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